


Every Dog Has His Day (But Not Today, Charlie Brown)

by Aishuu



Category: Peanuts
Genre: Community: 100fandomhell, Fluff and Humor, Future Fic, Gen, The Livejournal exodus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 11:36:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1981479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aishuu/pseuds/Aishuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Peanuts crowd in high school – while some things change a lot, one thing won't: Charlie Brown is still a lovable loser.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Every Dog Has His Day (But Not Today, Charlie Brown)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://100fandomhell.livejournal.com/profile)[**100fandomhell**](http://100fandomhell.livejournal.com/) with plenty of prompting from [](http://sophiap.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://sophiap.livejournal.com/)**sophiap**. Rated PG-13 or so, since this is slightly more mature than the original comics. Likely some disturbing ideas if you're obsessed with squeaky-clean Peanuts canon, but mainly meant as a fun romp.

The sound of someone yelling in pain didn't even gather any looks of concern as members of Avon Grove High School shuffled through their lockers between periods. They were so used to Charlie Brown injuring himself in some way, shape or form that it wasn't worth paying any attention to. Franklin collected his math textbook before turning to glance to see what Charlie Brown had managed to do to himself this time.

The blond teen was shaking his hand with a miserable, accepting look on his face. It appeared as though he'd slammed his hand in his own locker. Franklin sighed, and decided it was his turn to escort Charlie Brown to the school infirmary. He had a way of getting lost on the way there if someone wasn't there to prod him along.

Their lockers were three apart, though, and before Franklin could offer, someone else beat him to it. Junior Class President Lucy van Pelt strode over, a fierce expression on her face as she caught Charlie Brown's wrist to examine the damage. "Hold still," she demanded.

No one gainsaid Lucy when she was focused on something, much less Charlie Brown. He looked at his wrist as though puzzled. "I got distracted," he said.

"You're always distracted, you blockhead. Now I'm going to have to take time out of my lunch period to make sure you actually go to the nurse, and not find some excuse not to," she said, heaving a heavy sigh.

"But it's not that bad, and I have math-" he started to protest, only to whither when Lucy shot him another look.

"Linus can loan you the notes," she said. "Come on, the sooner you get there, the sooner I can get back to my lunch."

"You don't-" he made one more feeble try to get out of gaining Lucy as his escort, and ended up whimpering as she started to drag him along down the hallway.

Franklin couldn't keep from laughing to himself. Scenes like this were commonplace at school, with someone forcefully shepherding Charlie Brown into doing things for his own good. There was a large cast of people who stepped forward for "Charlie Brown Duty" without prompting. Despite his never-fail bad luck, Charlie Brown was the most popular unpopular kid Franklin had ever met. There was just something about him that made trying to help out impossible to resist.

Shoving himself away from his own locker, Franklin realized he needed to get moving or end up late to his own class. He'd mention where Charlie Brown was to the teacher, and warn Linus that his sister was on the rampage.

Predictably enough, the teacher accepted the excuse with a roll of her eyes, before thanking Franklin for his courtesy. Franklin wondered if there had been a memo sent out to the faculty warning about Charlie Brown, since most of them seemed resigned whenever a situation cropped up.

He slid into the seat next to Linus van Pelt, Lucy's younger brother and likely class valedictorian. The boy was so smart he'd been jumped a year ahead, which most people thought was insane. Not because Linus wasn't smart enough to handle the course load, but because that put him in the same class as his domineering older sister. It would have been kinder to leave Linus in less-challenging courses, no matter how boring they might have been.

"Your sister is going to be after your notes," he said as a greeting.

Linus sighed, resting his hand on his chin on his hand. "I'll stop by the library to make photocopies, then," he said placidly. "I assume it has something to do with Charlie Brown?"

"Slammed his hand in his locker, enough to get some preliminary bruising going on," Franklin said.

Linus blinked. "Anything broken?"

"Doesn't look like it. He'll be able to play this afternoon," Franklin replied.

Linus smiled. "Good. Games just aren't the same without him."

Their high school baseball team – to be polite – sucked. For the past ten years, the Avon Grove Beavers had been successful only in maintaining the losing-est record in the entire league. Most of the would-be athletic stars opted for golf instead. The current team was only in place because Charlie Brown begged, pleaded and generally was so pathetic that it would take a very hard heart indeed to turn him down.

But that didn't keep them from losing. As much as he loved the game, Charlie Brown was the worst player on the field. Their coach – a worn, nearly-retired teacher who was only in it for the paycheck – pretty much left the team alone, since anyone with any skill at coaching didn't want Avon Grove on their resume. It left Charlie Brown, as team manager, the de facto person in charge. And as long as he stood on the pitcher's mound, there was no way the losing streak was going to be broken.

But he was so earnest that no one wanted to point that out. For members of the team, the game was about watching Charlie Brown. He would start out with never-ending optimism that _this_ would be the time they'd win, descend into flailing pleading as the indifferent team members didn't give their all into it, and end up screaming up at the sky after the inevitable crushing happened. It was fun to lose, in a way.

The teacher stood at the chalkboard and started to draw diagrams, which both Linus and Franklin had learned a long time ago. For lack of anything better to do, they started passing notes discussing _Summa Theologica._ It was a bit peculiar for teenager boys to do, but Linus was one of the most peculiar people Franklin knew, although they were close friends because of it. At age ten, Linus had announced his intention of entering the priesthood. Since Franklin was the only one of his peers who had read the entire Bible, it was natural that Linus gravitated toward him.

About half the period had past when Charlie Brown finally shuffled in, clutching a late pass to his chest like a life preserver. The teacher wordlessly held out her hand, and he obligingly presented it like a well-trained dog. He hung his head, waiting to be remonstrated and condemned to a week of detentions.

This teacher was one of the kinder ones, and didn't decide to make his life miserable. Instead she directed Charlie Brown to ask his friends to help him catch up. She pointed vaguely toward the seats, before turning back to the chalkboard to continue her lesson.

Charlie Brown slunk forward, ignoring the titters of his peers as he claimed the vacant seat in front of Linus. His woeful expression didn't change as he fumbled through his backpack to try to produce a notebook.

"Don't bother, Charlie Brown," Linus said. "I'll help you catch up during study hall. It'll be less confusing than trying to pick this stuff up halfway through." He gestured to his immaculately kept papers. Franklin wondered how Linus managed to take perfect notes while still maintaining an ongoing discussion about the five arguments in favor of the existence of God. But that was Linus for you.

Charlie Brown sighed and shifted the ice pack on his wrist. "Thank you," he replied.

"Providing you distract Lucy this afternoon," Linus tacked on.

Franklin tried not to laugh as Charlie Brown slammed his head into his desk in agony. No one else even gave him a sideways glance, but Linus was smiling in a way that wasn't very holy. Free-market capitalism might not be very religious, but over the years Linus had learned that fair trade was an important method of self-preservation.

"Good grief," Charlie said, his voice muffled.

Franklin shook his head, not willing to bail Charlie Brown out of this impending debacle. Lucy was a tyrant, and going head-to-head with her was a bad idea. It wasn't like she'd do much to hurt him intentionally. Maybe she'd even want to play football. One of these days, Charlie Brown might get the clue that Lucy would never, ever let him _kick_ one, though that was as likely as the Great Pumpkin appearing.

He returned back to the note he'd been writing back to Linus, glanced at the clock, and decided it wasn't worth continuing. He folded it neatly and placed it inside his book. Franklin was meticulous about keeping notes and other incriminating evidence – someday, when Linus became a bishop or someone else important – it would pay. Not that he intended on blackmailing his friend, but he knew others (Lucy!) would be less scrupulous. And since Franklin had some rather lofty ambitions himself, it paid to cover himself, just in case.

The bell rang a couple of minutes later, and the threesome packed up and left to go to lunch, where they would meet a couple of their other friends, the ones that weren't in early lunch. All three chose to brown-bag it, since the school cafeteria was less than stellar with food preparation, and the lines were so long that it took half the period to retrieve a meal.

Marcie and Peppermint Patty were already at their usual table, one located in a not-particular-desirable location. Only Patty would qualify as "cool" among their circle of friends, claiming the prestige as the top female athlete in all sports. She was already being recruited by some mid-level university to play lacrosse, and after she broke the thousand point barrier, chances were she'd be able to play basketball as well.

"Yo, Chuck!" Patty said, offering a wave to Charlie Brown. She always spoke to him first, and Franklin suspected that Charlie Brown was the only one who didn't know she was still nursing a crush on him. He'd never even noticed, not with his wistful infatuation with the school's top cheerleader, whatever-her-name-was with the red hair.

"Hi, Peppermint Patty," he said, taking the seat across from her and unpacking a lunch consisting of a slightly soggy sandwich, bag of carrots, sports drink and hunk of cheese. He pulled out an empty-bag, with only crumbs to indicate they'd once held dessert. "Someone ate my dessert," he said, before letting his head slam into the table.

"Was it Snoopy?" Marcie suggested. "He's always had a sweet tooth."

"Probably," Charlie Brown replied glumly, with a heavy sigh. He lifted his head back up, a woebegone look on his face.

"You can have half my Twinkie, if you want," Patty offered. A sign of true love, to share junk food.

"Thanks."

Franklin waited until the dessert was split by a scrupulously fair Patty and handed over before speaking. "So, Linus – what are you doing this afternoon that leaves you throwing Charlie Brown to the wolves?"

"Don't you have a game?" Marcie asked before taking a bite of the cold pizza she'd brought for lunch.

"That's the problem. Lucy's going to be the announcer," Linus said. "And I accidentally irritated her last night by reminding our parents she'd promised to take Rerun to the movies this weekend."

The group winced sympathetically. Lucy would offer promises thoughtlessly, and most people weren't going to call her on it because while she usually had good intentions, the follow-through was lacking. And heaven help anyone who tried to make Lucy do something she didn't want to. "I can see the soundness of your strategy," Marcie said."I assume you're going to request that Charles attract her ire instead?"

Linus' face took on a pious expression. "Sacrifices must be made for the greater good sometimes," he answered.

Marcie smiled in a calm, understanding fashion. "I see," she replied, before picking up her juice box and slurping it.

Marcie was much like Linus, Franklin sometimes thought. They would make a cute couple, but Marcie was a bit too attached to Patty for anyone to think of it happening. As for Linus, there was the priesthood vocation he clung to – and many members of their circle had their suspicions about which way Linus swung. Franklin had a bet on with Shermy about which of them would come out first. Shermy had wanted to bet on Schroeder as well, but Franklin had drawn the line. He _knew_ that Schroeder wasn't gay – Linus had complained quite loudly about what Lucy got up to with her on-again-off-again boyfriend.

A good friend would have tried to talk Linus out of demanding such a payment, but the rest of the group remained predictably silent. Charlie Brown was one of those people who ending up as everyone else's whipping boy. It was an unalterable fact of life. None of them even felt the slightest twinge of guilt at that anymore.

Franklin's schedule included honors English and Physics, which meant he parted ways from everyone except Linus for the rest of the day. But he needed to pay attention in those classes, so he didn't spend any time worrying about the forthcoming game or whatever-Charlie-Brown-was-going-to-get-Lucy-angry-about. Since he enjoyed school, the time just whizzed past, although he was annoyed to get assigned a five-page report on _Othello_ in English. He hated that play.

When the bell rang, he looked at Linus and packed his bag. "Do I want to know what you're planning on having Charlie Brown do?" he asked.

Linus just smiled, and Franklin knew Linus had come up with a doozy. They finally met up with Charlie Brown and Shermy outside of the boys' locker room. They had an hour to change before their warm-ups started, which left little time to instigate whatever scheme Linus had cooked up.

Charlie Brown's expression was like a dead man walking's. "Okay, what do you want me to do?" he asked, as he pushed the door open.

Linus gave Charlie Brown what could only be termed a Devil-Inspired look as he blocked Charlie Brown from entering. "Oh, no, Charlie Brown... you're going that way," he said, pointing to a door across the hall.

_Girls' Locker Room._

"Oh, no... oh, _no_ ," Charlie Brown said, shaking his head furiously and backing away. "That is not worth your notes. I could get expelled!"

"You won't get expelled," Shermy said, rolling his eyes. "Everyone would know _you_ wouldn't do it intentionally." It was a good point, since whatever his faults, Charlie Brown had a reputation for integrity.

"It's still not worth it!"

"I'll make it a week's tutoring, all subjects," Linus wheedled.

"No, no, no-"

Then Linus whipped out his ace as he grabbed Charlie Brown's arm to pull him toward the door. "You said you would help me, Charlie Brown!"

Charlie Brown's face crumpled, and Franklin could see the moral conflict spread over his face. On one hand, going in the girls' locker room broke all kinds of rules, and would get him killed by whoever was inside. On the other was Charlie Brown's word, which he never, ever broke, no matter how much it cost him.

The indecision was his undoing, since Linus used it to maneuver him in front of the door. Too late, Charlie Brown finally caught on. "No, wait-" Charlie Brown protested, but he was too slow. Shermy gave him a shove through the door, grabbing the handle moments later and shutting it tightly.

Franklin had entertained a thought or two about going into the girls' locker room – what guy didn't? But common sense made him keep that idea firmly in the realm of fantasy, since the girls would slaughter anything with a Y-chromosome that entered their area. He sent up a silent prayer for Charlie Brown's immortal soul. Lucy had last-period gym, so chances were she was still in the changing room, likely dawdling in the shower. Never mind the rest of the girls in there, Lucy was going to come up with ten ways to commit murder with a shower poof.

They waited on pins and needles of the fallout. It was eerily quiet for several moments, and Franklin wondered if Charlie Brown had somehow gotten lucky.

Then came the death knell, sounding through the thick wooden door, "YOU BLOCKHEAD!"

The trio looked at each other, and Linus bit his lip. "Maybe I went too far," he said, wringing his hands in a fashion that reminded Franklin of the blanket Linus had carried until he was nine.

"Chicken," Shermy replied, rolling his eyes. "He'll forgive you."

There was a loud crash, and the trio winced as their imaginations supplied probable causes of the noise. "I don't want to pitch this afternoon..."

"Should've thought of that before you decided on this." Franklin offered the remonstrative gently, feeling it necessary since he hadn't been party to getting Charlie Brown into this situation – well, technically. He could at least claim bystander status, although not entirely innocent. "Shermy, if you let the handle go, he can get out. And maybe we should get into our own locker room in case Charlie Brown isn't the first person through the door."

Franklin made good on his own advice, hightailing it to relative safety. Seconds later, the other two followed, dodging passed the freshmen lockers to the area the varsity teams used. Then they burst out laughing. He tried to collect his composure, but the memory of Lucy's shrieking voice was just too funny. It wasn't often people managed to catch Lucy off her guard.

But as soon as their amused euphoria relaxed, they were left with a deep sense of failure. Charlie Brown was such a nice young man that he seemed to _ask_ to have his trust abused. "What are his survival odds?" Franklin asked finally.

"My sister was in there," Linus replied. "She's going to break every bone in his body."

"And if Sally, Marcie or Peppermint Patty were in there, too?"

"Maybe I should call the ambulance," Shermy said, pulling his cell phone out of his hip pocket. "Just in case."

Franklin wished that Shermy was just exaggerating, but he knew the ladies, and he knew Charlie Brown's infamous luck. Glances at his watch, he realized they'd been hiding for nearly ten minutes. "I'm going to go check," Franklin said, bracing himself for one of the most dangerous missions he'd ever undertaken. His father had always stressed the importance of having courage under fire.

The other two watched, wearing expressions indicating a different amount of guilt, but both were cowardly enough to stay behind. Franklin held his shoulders straight as he exited his safe zone, unsure if he really wanted to see the carnage.

After pushing the door open, a flash of pink greeted his eyes. It took him a minute to process exactly what Charlie Brown was wearing, but when he did, he had to salute Lucy's sheer evilness. He was held in place by Peppermint Patty and Sally, who had his arms linked tightly through their own to keep him from running away. Lucy, of course, was merrily clicking pictures using her Canon Rebel.

Franklin looked at the scenario, and seeing no blood or bruises, decided this was the best things were going to get. Of course Charlie Brown's pride might have objected about dressing up as a cheerleader, complete with a short miniskirt and bows in his very fine blond hair. Well-applied makeup highlighted his eyes and gave him noticeable lips. He was actually kind of cute, in a downtrodden kind of way.

"Don't you think my big brother looks good?" Sally asked, fluttering her lashes.

Charlie Brown had degenerated into just moaning, and wouldn't meet Franklin's eyes. Whatever had happened in the locker room had clearly traumatized him. And the way the girls were smiling indicated they wouldn't be willing to share what they knew.

"I don't think pink's his color. We need our team manager and pitcher," Franklin said, raising his voice so it would carry to Lucy. "You can continue his training in cross dressing at some other time."

Lucy took a picture of Franklin's face, the flashbulb making his eyes dilate, and throwing him just a bit off balance. "Really, Franklin. He's most eager to explore his feminine side – he walked _right into our locker room,_ " she returned, and her last words were practically a growl.

"I'm sure he didn't mean to..." Franklin said lamely.

Lucy flipped the back of Charlie Brown's skirt up, displaying a set of golden spankies. The other girls shrieked in delight, clapping and hooting. "He's got good legs, doesn't he?"

"Please don't say that. He's my brother," Sally said dryly.

"It's probably a hereditary thing," Lucy conceded magnificently. Sally smirked in satisfaction, although she almost always wore paint-splattered overalls and rarely showed hers off.

By this point, Charlie Brown's face was so crimson that Franklin wondered if he was going to have a heart attack. Franklin hated having to choose between his friends' needs, but seeing Marcie start to demonstrate a basic pep cheer while encouraging Charlie Brown to participate was just too much. He covered his mouth, trying not to laugh too noticeably. He turned back to the boys' locker room door to get the two culprits, but was surprised to see Linus and Shermy had come out without prompting. Both were turning very peculiar colors as they stared at the sight of Charlie Brown in drag.

Linus' conscience must have finally gotten the better of him, for he actually stepped forth to confront his sister. "It wasn't entirely his fault," he said. "And we've got to change for the game."

"What do you mean, _not entirely his fault,_ my sweet babboo?" Sally chimed in, glaring at the boy she'd once proclaimed herself madly in love with. Although those feelings had faded with time, the nickname still remained.

"Well, um..." Linus started to back away. He was a horrible liar, and looked around for help. Shermy, predictably enough, had made himself scarce. He was good at disappearing.

"What he means is that this is a Charlie Brown kind of thing," Franklin said, deciding to walk the line. To anyone outside of their circle, that wouldn't make sense, but this was _Charlie Brown._

"I'm sure he had he help finding himself in this situation, didn't he?" Lucy asked, with a bit of edge to her voice.

Franklin shrank back inside, and Linus wilted entirely. "Maybe a little," Linus said.

"We thought that might be the case," Patty said. "And just so you know, the next time someone helps Charlie Brown into our locker room, I'm going to help that person out in return." She cracked the knuckles of her free hand threateningly.

"Can I go now?" Charlie Brown said piteously.

Lucy snapped another picture for posterity. "Sure thing, Charlie Brown. And if you need some advice on how to cope with your utter humiliation, it's still just five cents for you."

Franklin was kind enough to hold the door open so Charlie Brown could move faster as he ducked into the boys' locker room. He glanced back over his shoulder at the snickering girls. "You know, it would have been kinder to just beat him up."

"But nowhere near as fun!" Lucy said wickedly as she turned her camera off. "Besides, it's good old Charlie Brown. He deserves a less mundane punishment." She crooked a finger at Linus. "And as for you, my darling little brother..."

Franklin just shook his head, and turned around to go change. Linus had brought Lucy's wrath down on his own head. "I hope his punishment isn't greater than he can bear," he murmured to himself.

He found Charlie Brown standing in front of the sink in the shower area, furiously scrubbing the thick make-up off his skin with one of the scratchy brown paper towels the school supplied. Franklin was very tempted to ask if Charlie Brown had seen anything that made the ordeal worth it, but decided discretion was the better part of valor. "How did they corner you?" he asked instead.

"It wasn't hard with me being locked in there with them," Charlie Brown said, aggravated. "They told me I would either dress up or Lucy would break my pitching arm."

Franklin knew that was an idle threat. Even if Lucy was willing to hurt Charlie Brown, there was no way Peppermint Patty would let that happen. But it wasn't Franklin's place to point that out. So instead he said, "You know, I think there's some way to properly remove that. My mother uses this special stuff to get her makeup off."

"Soap and water is working just fine," Charlie Brown said.

"I wonder where they got the uniform," Franklin mused, "considering our school colors are blue and gold."

Charlie Brown looked down at the pink clothing with dislike. "I don't want to know." Finally content with his fresh-scrubbed face, he started to pick the little pink bows out of his hair.

"They managed to get you ready awfully quick," Franklin said. "In my experience, it takes them a long time to get ready. Like, hours."

"Not when there's six of them against you."

"Where are your clothes, anyway?"

"Sally promised to bring them home with her." Charlie Brown threw the bits of ribbon into the trash, before heading over to his locker and pulling out his baseball uniform.

Franklin, sensing it would be wisest to drop the conversation, went to get ready himself. Less then five minutes later, both were turned out in their Avon Grove Beavers baseball team uniform. It was remarkable how much happier Charlie Brown looked, like he'd forgotten about the ordeal he'd just been through.

Linus, along with Shermy and Pigpen, had arrived while they'd been preparing. "Um, Charlie Brown?" Linus said.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I pushed you into the girls' locker room. It wasn't very kind of me." Only Linus could say such a trite thing without sounding ridiculous.

Charlie Brown considered the apology a moment, before offering a slight smile. "If you help us win today, I'll forget all about it."

"We'll play our best," Linus assured him.

The interesting thing was that Charlie Brown accepted that as an apology – and from the determined look on his face, believed that victory was possible. Never mind the team's near world record-losing streak, or his own athletic inability. For Charlie Brown, hope sprang eternal. Maybe that was why so many people liked him, Franklin thought. Even if he was a perpetual loser, there was something about supporting an underdog. One of these days, the laws of probability indicated that something would go right for Charlie Brown – and Franklin wanted to be there to see it.

But that someday wouldn't be today. They had to call the game at the fifth inning, the umpires ruling the 39-0 score was too great an obstacle to overcome.


End file.
